I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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