oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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