she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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