worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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