I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
