apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
