i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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