All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
