I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
