she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
