I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i love accidental penises.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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