Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
