I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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