Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
