I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You dont lie about slip and slides
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
