The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
