woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
