i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
