i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
