She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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