I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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