Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
