Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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