All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
