oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
