I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
