im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
