i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
