If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
