I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
