i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
