If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
