Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
