Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
