walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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