I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
