Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
