he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
