So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
