Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
