some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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