he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
