Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
