Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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