this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
