You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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