I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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