I have demons in me.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
