ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my being single is dangerous.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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