so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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