The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
