Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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