***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
