The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
