Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
