is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
